DON'T GROW UP!

The Sun is on anabolics burning Pea Soup

When I began this it was intended to be an aid to recovery from my personal “slough of despond”. It quickly turned into an on line boast about my beautiful boys.It was never supposed to be this but bizarrely has had and is having the effect of lifting me from my mire in any case. Strange how these things come about.I have tried all kinds of treatments most with little success.This feels (so far) different.

Occasionally the fog falls  but I find it hard to write about this. Something that being 'anonymous' was supposed to enable. Strangely deep within I think I must still feel some sense of shame or similar as I still avoid it. I don’t really want to feel that,particularly as it's contrary to what I teach my lads and counter to all the advocacy I do for others. Writing about the boys lifts me out of the miasma quickly,however it also brings the realisation that this condition prevents much that I need.

A few nights ago I wrote a short blog during an onset slump. I actually posted it for 30 minutes but decided to delete it. I have been trying to understand why ever since. No one that reads this blog knows me personally with a single exception (and they know a great deal about how this came about and are of the most generous of human spirits) so why the reticence?

The truth is – I don't know. Simple as that. Maybe there is no answer maybe brighter minds than mine have an understanding. I still don't know. I hear the obvious platitudes and am guilty of occasionally using them myself. I know it's none of them. The piece I wrote was to see if act of it would prevent the onset of the melancholy; it didn't. What it did do was swallow me into the grey  more hurriedly. At some point I will probably post a self indulgent piece along the'woe is me'line so I apologise now just in case.

It was written in a stream of consciousness way and wasn't mentally edited like my writing is usually. But reading it back I noticed the preoccupation I seem to have with being a failed father. And there is the nub of it.This condition means I am not able always to have the boys. The not being able to have the boys exacerbates the condition. There is a repetitive realisation that I cannot be the Dad I so want to be.

The cure? Well the fog fell Monday night and was lifted instantly the next morning by the phone call I blogged of on Tuesday. My eldest phoned me and asked me to be his Dad for a few minutes. In its own way it is pure magic one telephone call burned away the fog like the Sun on anabolics.

I wrote before of how I encourage the boys to see teachers in all people of all ages. To accept that each new friendship will bring opportunity to understand and learn. So in order to practise what I preach I decided I should point out what I have learnt from my children.

DAD! I KNOW WHAT WE CAN DO!
PUT CHERRIES IN IT!

I have learnt that my children own the world. They glory in it and are mesmerised by it in ways I seem to have forgotten. They have an extraordinary capacity for acceptance. As no one has told them something is not “normal” then they embrace it. Including and especially of and in other people. My boys cope with change more readily as a consequence of this ability to accept. It is absolutely the case that the boys were quicker at coming to terms with the change to their lives when their parents separated, than either parent did! My boys trust not the naive trust one associates with foolishness but real trust. The kind that is supported by the Corinthian plinths of forgiveness. They hold no grudge they simply move on. They LOVE; they love me, the day, their mum, the neighbour’s dog, the walk to the shop, the trip in the car, the bike ride, the swimming, the telly, the football, the cooking, the playing, the cuddles, the bedtime, the stories and everything in between. I have learnt of dinosaurs with wings that lived on the ground. Of wasps that reproduce by laying eggs in caterpillars. I've learnt what type of bike is cool. That WOW isn't for being surprised but for talking about a video game. I have learnt that the best burgers are not the ones with a free toy, but the ones you make with each other. Where you squish and squelch the meat between your fingers and roll into giant balls before slapping them flat with your hand(so much fun!). Add your own ingredients like herbs or chilli flakes (put extra in that one Dad and we'll give it to L... he he he...) or cherries? Yup! chopped up cherries why not? I have learnt to say "why not" more often. That the funniest thing for a child to see is an adult behaving silly. (Mr Bean would be king if my boys were in charge!).

I worry that sometimes my blog makes the boys sound perfect. They are not of course but they do enthral me and that, I am afraid, I simply can't hide. As you will have certainly already noticed. All this and more I have learnt yet the one thing I have to remember is that I CAN get better and they deserve for me to do so. Because they never once have shown anything but love and understanding when it has meant they could not be with me as planned. Never demanded pleaded or sulked. They have always just said,” Sorry you’re poorly Daddy, get some rest and get better and we will see you next time. Love you Daddy, mwah!”

I learn something new every time we speak!

Oh beautiful boys don’t be in a hurry to grow up. It’s seriously over rated!


©Agides

My boy has Detention? I'm so Proud!

My eldest phoned today. It was 8.40 am. a little unusual, honestly.

Hey Dad, you okay?

I'm fine L... What’s up?

Oh you know... I was ringing because I have a Maths test today and I wanted one of your you can do it positive talks that you do, to make me feel better."

Oh really? Well you already know what I’ll say don’t you?

Yeah, but I wanted to hear you say it.

Okay fella, well, all you have to do is your best; because we both know your best is good enough, and try to do so well that they have to tell you, all right?

Thanks Dad.

That's okay matey any time you know that.

Um, Dad, I need to tell you something else.

OK fella! you're sounding serious there, what do you need to tell me?

I need to tell you I've got an after school detention tomorrow.

“.............................”
Dad!?

Yes Fella?

You okay?

I'm fine son, I'm fine really. I just needed a sec'; sorry bud.

Fine? Really ? You sure?

I'm absolutely 'fine' son. I'm chuffed because you phoned me, I'm pleased because you were honest and I'm even happier because I wanted you to phone and tell me and you did! I already knew about the detention because the school emailed me too tell me.

Oh god, they emailed you!

Yes they emailed me, I thought you might know.

I had no idea Dad I thought because we live with Mum they’d only tell her.

Well now you know. I asked the school to send me school newsletters and updates by email so they do. Occasionally I get stuff about what you will be doing and this time I got one about detention. They didn't tell me why you had detention though.

Oh it was nothing serious.

Serious enough to get a detention fella so I’d still like to know.

It was stupid Dad honest, not worth it really.

Well you're sounding a bit embarrassed just go for it go on, if you've been punished by Mum I'm not going to once is enough.

Well OK, so I was messing about in a lesson spinning round on my chair when  ever the teacher turned her back on the class and then I fell off and loads of people started laughing so the teacher turned round and shouted 'what were you doing ' and I said 'nothing Miss' and she said 'well you obviously were' and she sent me to see the year tutor for disrupting class because so many of the class were laughing.

And then what?

He asked me what I thought I was doing and I said 'nothing sir' and he said 'as you seem to know how to do nothing so well, you can do nothing for an hour after school in detention.'

Oh right! Well I'm disappointed really, it seems a shame to me that you would disrupt everyone’s lesson for no good reason and it was careless to fall off your chair. What were you trying to gain from it?

I was trying to get the girl behind me to laugh.

Oh I see, well  next time don't do it during a lesson OK? You better get in school's about to start I’ll see you at the weekend okay, Love you.

Love you to Dad bye!

I am so proud! 

The Rules of Life.

The Rules of Life. I think the boys like to test me sometimes. One of the things that is difficult as a Dad with limited time is that you have to be able to overcome issues in a weekend that have been festering in the boys minds for up to two weeks.This means that when I collect them from school on the alternate Friday I get bombarded by all 3 at the same time as they get in the car. We have had to put a rule in place about not talking over each other or at the same time and another about not showing Dad the thing you did at school until we get home. If we have to park and wait for big brother to come out we take it turns to show Dad what we have in the school bag. It took a while to get this under control because naturally the boys are very excited when I collect them and are desperate to tell me all their news. Of course there is also the competitive element of telling Dad the shared experience first!  It really is not easy The point  is that we have "Rules". Simple rules but its often the case that the rules at Dads are different from the other places the boys spend time.So rules is a subject that comes up fairly often. Rules of the house are agreed by everyone and if they boys want to have a rule for something then we discuss it and if we all think its a good rule then we implement it. For example; At bed time if you get ready for bed the first time of asking without moaning or hesitating then you get to come back down and have an extra half an hour. To sit with Dad  cuddle talk  or read whatever even finish off your game if you really have too. But you have to have put dirty clothes in the laundry basket washed face and hands had a wee and brushed your teeth,.If you have missed anything  then you only get 5 minutes. It works really well and it means I have never had an issue at bedtime with any of the boys .The real reward is having a chance to read to each other. I have been encouraging the boys for some time to read to me at bed time as well as the other way round. We usually take it in turns and they absolutely love doing it. Bed times become special and something they look forward too. So a couple of years ago  my middle son came up with the following; a real doozy of a question. 'Dad, Is there one special rule?' One special rule? I suppose always say please and thank you, would be up there, why? My friends Dad said there's only one rule for life. Oh dear, this could be awkward. I don't want to undermine another parent but I also need to ensure my boys rethink comments from adults with out questioning them inappropriately or seeming  to undermine them. So I try to encourage them to think about things. Rather than always giving a straight answer maybe encourage them to find one. Maybe asking what they think and working an answer into their thoughts. Not always successfully and sometimes it's easier to give a straight response but I try not to if possible. 'Oh I see! and did he say what the rule was?' 'You know the thing you always say about do the thing you have to do the first chance you get.' 'Yeeeesssss.' 'Well his is like that. He says; "Do it to them before they do it to you"!" Oh right, Well I think I know what he means, but that's not really how I would put it. How could we say it a little different so it doesn't sound so rough do you think? I don't know Dad, it depends if you're trying to hurt someone or help them. Well we wouldn't want to hurt anyone would we? He shakes his head, The truth is buddy that there isn't one single rule. I might have put his rule a little differently some times the way we say something  can make it easier to understand. How about we change it just a little. How Dad? Well how about we say "Do it FOR them before they do it FOR you!? So it is about helping then, like helping someone that wants to help you? A word cloud to guide us! I think that's a good way to put it Phew!.... So I got to thinking, how many rules do you need?  I worry that we have too many because I don't want to stunt creativity or thought but I feel the boys enjoy being part of the process of rule making and certainly the structure  they bring seems to help everybody. So we had a chat and decided to come up with rules for Life!  WOW! really? well sort of. The boys wrote huge lists including things like don't pick  your nose and eat it! or Don't step on a stone in bare feet!?( I don't know either !).  In the end we put them all together and I edited everything and we agreed to a  maximum of 50. Still a big number and bearing in mind how many we started with,  (I think around 260!)it seemed like a good number. I have tried to make them short  and simple and over the years they have changed a little but we've kept at 50. So Ladies and Gentleman I give you!.....Da Dada Dada daa! 50 rules for life : as created by 3 boys and 1 Dad  (with judicious editing by Dad!) Admit mistakes with quickly Ask who's doing the best way to do it Be bold have no regrets Be early or on time Be regular Beware someone with nothing to lose Buy the best you can afford Call your Mum daily Carry an organ donor card Compliment someone every day Decide difficult tasks Won't go wrong Do IT the first  chance you get Do nothing when angry Drink water at every meal Enter rooms with confidence Exercise 30 mins daily Give blood yearly after you're 18 Gossip? Never! If you pay and its wrong complain It's o.k. to say "I don't know." It's good to say "I'm sorry." Keep hope alive, never take it away Keep secrets Keep your bucket list on you Keep yourself clean Learn a trade/instrument or better both Listen carefully or you may miss it Look people in the eye Make new friends, keep old ones Never cheat Never underestimate forgiveness Never walk out on a row with anyone Pay for work when done not before Pretend bravery's just as effective as real Read one new book every week Say "NO" politely but promptly Say "please" a lot. Say "thank you" more Say opening, not problem Spend less than you earn Spend the REQUIRED time at work Start everyday with a good breakfast Support a charity with time not money Treat all you meet like they were you Use debit cards NOT credit cards Wage war on  litter  Watch a sunrise as often as possible Win wars choose battles wisely Write a blog/diary daily and keep it! The End! If you'd like to add any to the list let me know.  The only "rule" is you have to remove one for each new one, it was tough, I really wanted " Always have clean polished shoes, but I had to drop it.If we adopt it I will mark it as c/o @twittername.