Maybe you’re in mad (A Sonnet)

"It's not that you believe people are lying when they tell you that they love you, or when they say that you have value. You just think they're mistaken. 'I love you.' 'I know you do. I know you think you do.’ It’s all in the thought" (Agides, 2015)

Maybe you’re in mad  

Belief in mental illness is the same

as she convinced by what she thinks is real.

In search of feeling... fearful of the name

its promise without trust; has no appeal.

Shaping shared translations each will steal

closer to the truth than many others.

Compassion their combined Achilles heel

agápe flowed, from blind-hearted mothers.

When lovers say they love you; have they lied?

When loves announce they lied; is that your truth?

Affection seems like bullshit we denied

or failed to learn as signals in our youth.

All should just believe that love is giving 

Live to love: a life that is worth living

She'll Have To Go

There was only one solution. He had to get rid of the dog; without them knowing. At night. It would need to be at night. He would drive, someplace. He’d decide later where, open the doors, let it out, drive away. Sooner the better. He felt relieved making the decision. Any action was better than none. He was convinced.

The dog adored car journeys and loved its station wagon bed. Visits to family, the treat giving vet or the large park across town; where she got to run free of the leash. There’d be no trouble sneaking her out.

An hour in with light failing he had a sense she had not settled. In the rearview mirror he saw her wandering in circles looking for the perfect spot to curl up. Lifting her nose, sniffing the air, another four-footed waltz; and repeat. Could she sense his unease? Was his musk of worry drifting back? She’d always been asleep by now. He could see she was unsettled. He could feel his own tension. He watched as she nosed the air as if trying to identify a scent.

A well-lit free-way, long, narrow and straight. It went on for an age and the car seemed not to change direction for even longer. Her ears had remained pricked since he’d noticed. She now seemed to be searching for shapes and sounds through the rear window. They exited the highway onto a narrow street. After half a mile he turned onto a dirt track. The noise from the tires changed. A lower register of loose gravel surrounded the car. He killed the engine. Surrounded by sentinel pines he crooked his head to look up through the windshield to find some sky. He saw treetops almost touching, like fingers closing in prayer. He sat back and blew out his cheeks.

Opening his door he stepped into the night. The internal light lit inches of darkness. She stood expectantly, tail slashing the air. He wandered away hearing the beginning of her whine.

Wandering to a space between trees he relaxed against one. As he tidied himself the interior light went out. At that moment the weight of the darkness around him became overwhelming and he felt his eyes moisten under the strain. He had to do this. It had become impossible. She’d be fine. Someone would take her in - she was gentle, just needy. 

He lowered the tailgate. The inside light flashed on, staring at him accusingly. She gazed up, perched on her haunches, awaited the command. ‘O.K. come on’.

She jumped down. Squatting down to calm her he grabbed her ruff, shook it and fussed her firmly. Thumping his leg with her hysterical tail she spotted the ball in his hand and began bobbing and spinning like a Cossack dancer. He rolled the ball into the head-lighted track half a dozen times so that she became distracted by the game. The seventh, pressing his calf against the front fender for purchase, he launched the ball with immense force into the blackness.

As he drove the salt of effort, ache and gloom mixed to stain his face. He had gunned the gas pedal and spun the car down the track as fast as he dare; wheels bouncing off the surface at each dip. He reached the road. The surface smoothed as he approached the intersection to the turnpike. He had been driving only a couple minutes and felt a good distance away. He opened his window. Leaning out he gulped at the breeze. Wind on his face, hair blown back, he felt the foggy dew on his mouth and began to calm.

Guiding the car down the slipway he flicked the signal stalk and drifted into the nearside lane. Reaching the interstate his mind swirled. Thoughts of how he would answer family questions at breakfast began to fill his mind. A high pitched wailing pierced his thoughts; in the rear-view mirror lights lurched into the air, smoke spilled out of torn tyres filling the free-way like morning smog. He pulled onto the hard shoulder a cloud of burning fuel and rubber billowing toward him. Stepping out he saw shadows of vehicles and people. Out of the thickening mist, he saw her. Tennis ball in mouth lurching unevenly.  Her back right leg not touching the ground. She spotted him. Her tail wagged furiously. She hobbled towards him he sunk to his knees felt that involuntary spasm that stirs the stomach and overflows the chest. The leg was badly damaged and fur along her flank was black with matted blood. He picked her up and laid her gently in her bed, tail slowly slapping the floor of the car.

 With his phone he searched for the nearest Vet. Ten minutes later he carried a limp silent bloodied bitch onto a gleaming stainless steel operating table and whispering in her ear begged her to recover. The vet, masked, gestured for him to wait outside.

All he wanted now was for her to survive. How would he explain this all to his girls? He called to explain. The phone answered by a drowsy voice. ‘Hello?’

The vet came into reception, latex gloved fingers streaked red, a plastic apron over green scrubs wearing a mask hooked over ears. She lifted a hand and eyebrows to attract his attention.

‘Sorry darling’. I’ll call you straight back. I promise... Love you.’

___________________________________________________________________________

Seaside Skies

Seaside memories from the recent past. Camping out. One Dad three boys all under 11 years of age. A wonderful friend loaning his caravan. Far enough away from roads and towns for the night to wrap you in a black and purple sky pierced by a myriad lights.

First night was so clear. It was past midnight and the peace was as enveloping as the sky. Though they slept I decided to wake the older boys. I lifted the younger onto my lap where I sat on the edge of a camp bed. He took my hand and dragged it across his shoulder as he pushed his head into my chest. His eyes not quite open enough to see the sky's lights until I tried to point out a constellation to him and his brother. Sat in a Kelly green chair with tubular silver skeleton staring into the cloudless purple.

Credit: Starry Night

Dad?

Yes bud.

Why are there more stars in the sky here than where we live?

There isn't buddy it’s the same sky. 

I've looked Dad and there is more stars here than I've seen before.

Well I know what you mean.

See that group of stars? That’s called ‘The Plough’ if you follow the dots with your finger you can see a shape like a ladle.

I smothered his hand inside mine and drew the shape into the sky. Lifting his index finger with mine moving it from star to star. Eyes wide open as he painted the night with his mind. 

Which one is Mars?

I think it’s that one there.

I went to point into the void but before I'd moved my finger he bolted up in my lap,

There... Dad!  Look. That one. There. It’s there. It’s that pink one- there. I can see it. I found it!

I think you’re probably right son.

He sank back pulled the sleeping bag over himself and pushed his head against my chest.

You've discovered Mars son. You've discovered Mars.

My boy has Detention? I'm so Proud!

My eldest phoned today. It was 8.40 am. a little unusual, honestly.

Hey Dad, you okay?

I'm fine L... What’s up?

Oh you know... I was ringing because I have a Maths test today and I wanted one of your you can do it positive talks that you do, to make me feel better."

Oh really? Well you already know what I’ll say don’t you?

Yeah, but I wanted to hear you say it.

Okay fella, well, all you have to do is your best; because we both know your best is good enough, and try to do so well that they have to tell you, all right?

Thanks Dad.

That's okay matey any time you know that.

Um, Dad, I need to tell you something else.

OK fella! you're sounding serious there, what do you need to tell me?

I need to tell you I've got an after school detention tomorrow.

“.............................”
Dad!?

Yes Fella?

You okay?

I'm fine son, I'm fine really. I just needed a sec'; sorry bud.

Fine? Really ? You sure?

I'm absolutely 'fine' son. I'm chuffed because you phoned me, I'm pleased because you were honest and I'm even happier because I wanted you to phone and tell me and you did! I already knew about the detention because the school emailed me too tell me.

Oh god, they emailed you!

Yes they emailed me, I thought you might know.

I had no idea Dad I thought because we live with Mum they’d only tell her.

Well now you know. I asked the school to send me school newsletters and updates by email so they do. Occasionally I get stuff about what you will be doing and this time I got one about detention. They didn't tell me why you had detention though.

Oh it was nothing serious.

Serious enough to get a detention fella so I’d still like to know.

It was stupid Dad honest, not worth it really.

Well you're sounding a bit embarrassed just go for it go on, if you've been punished by Mum I'm not going to once is enough.

Well OK, so I was messing about in a lesson spinning round on my chair when  ever the teacher turned her back on the class and then I fell off and loads of people started laughing so the teacher turned round and shouted 'what were you doing ' and I said 'nothing Miss' and she said 'well you obviously were' and she sent me to see the year tutor for disrupting class because so many of the class were laughing.

And then what?

He asked me what I thought I was doing and I said 'nothing sir' and he said 'as you seem to know how to do nothing so well, you can do nothing for an hour after school in detention.'

Oh right! Well I'm disappointed really, it seems a shame to me that you would disrupt everyone’s lesson for no good reason and it was careless to fall off your chair. What were you trying to gain from it?

I was trying to get the girl behind me to laugh.

Oh I see, well  next time don't do it during a lesson OK? You better get in school's about to start I’ll see you at the weekend okay, Love you.

Love you to Dad bye!

I am so proud! 

The Rules of Life.

The Rules of Life. I think the boys like to test me sometimes. One of the things that is difficult as a Dad with limited time is that you have to be able to overcome issues in a weekend that have been festering in the boys minds for up to two weeks.This means that when I collect them from school on the alternate Friday I get bombarded by all 3 at the same time as they get in the car. We have had to put a rule in place about not talking over each other or at the same time and another about not showing Dad the thing you did at school until we get home. If we have to park and wait for big brother to come out we take it turns to show Dad what we have in the school bag. It took a while to get this under control because naturally the boys are very excited when I collect them and are desperate to tell me all their news. Of course there is also the competitive element of telling Dad the shared experience first!  It really is not easy The point  is that we have "Rules". Simple rules but its often the case that the rules at Dads are different from the other places the boys spend time.So rules is a subject that comes up fairly often. Rules of the house are agreed by everyone and if they boys want to have a rule for something then we discuss it and if we all think its a good rule then we implement it. For example; At bed time if you get ready for bed the first time of asking without moaning or hesitating then you get to come back down and have an extra half an hour. To sit with Dad  cuddle talk  or read whatever even finish off your game if you really have too. But you have to have put dirty clothes in the laundry basket washed face and hands had a wee and brushed your teeth,.If you have missed anything  then you only get 5 minutes. It works really well and it means I have never had an issue at bedtime with any of the boys .The real reward is having a chance to read to each other. I have been encouraging the boys for some time to read to me at bed time as well as the other way round. We usually take it in turns and they absolutely love doing it. Bed times become special and something they look forward too. So a couple of years ago  my middle son came up with the following; a real doozy of a question. 'Dad, Is there one special rule?' One special rule? I suppose always say please and thank you, would be up there, why? My friends Dad said there's only one rule for life. Oh dear, this could be awkward. I don't want to undermine another parent but I also need to ensure my boys rethink comments from adults with out questioning them inappropriately or seeming  to undermine them. So I try to encourage them to think about things. Rather than always giving a straight answer maybe encourage them to find one. Maybe asking what they think and working an answer into their thoughts. Not always successfully and sometimes it's easier to give a straight response but I try not to if possible. 'Oh I see! and did he say what the rule was?' 'You know the thing you always say about do the thing you have to do the first chance you get.' 'Yeeeesssss.' 'Well his is like that. He says; "Do it to them before they do it to you"!" Oh right, Well I think I know what he means, but that's not really how I would put it. How could we say it a little different so it doesn't sound so rough do you think? I don't know Dad, it depends if you're trying to hurt someone or help them. Well we wouldn't want to hurt anyone would we? He shakes his head, The truth is buddy that there isn't one single rule. I might have put his rule a little differently some times the way we say something  can make it easier to understand. How about we change it just a little. How Dad? Well how about we say "Do it FOR them before they do it FOR you!? So it is about helping then, like helping someone that wants to help you? A word cloud to guide us! I think that's a good way to put it Phew!.... So I got to thinking, how many rules do you need?  I worry that we have too many because I don't want to stunt creativity or thought but I feel the boys enjoy being part of the process of rule making and certainly the structure  they bring seems to help everybody. So we had a chat and decided to come up with rules for Life!  WOW! really? well sort of. The boys wrote huge lists including things like don't pick  your nose and eat it! or Don't step on a stone in bare feet!?( I don't know either !).  In the end we put them all together and I edited everything and we agreed to a  maximum of 50. Still a big number and bearing in mind how many we started with,  (I think around 260!)it seemed like a good number. I have tried to make them short  and simple and over the years they have changed a little but we've kept at 50. So Ladies and Gentleman I give you!.....Da Dada Dada daa! 50 rules for life : as created by 3 boys and 1 Dad  (with judicious editing by Dad!) Admit mistakes with quickly Ask who's doing the best way to do it Be bold have no regrets Be early or on time Be regular Beware someone with nothing to lose Buy the best you can afford Call your Mum daily Carry an organ donor card Compliment someone every day Decide difficult tasks Won't go wrong Do IT the first  chance you get Do nothing when angry Drink water at every meal Enter rooms with confidence Exercise 30 mins daily Give blood yearly after you're 18 Gossip? Never! If you pay and its wrong complain It's o.k. to say "I don't know." It's good to say "I'm sorry." Keep hope alive, never take it away Keep secrets Keep your bucket list on you Keep yourself clean Learn a trade/instrument or better both Listen carefully or you may miss it Look people in the eye Make new friends, keep old ones Never cheat Never underestimate forgiveness Never walk out on a row with anyone Pay for work when done not before Pretend bravery's just as effective as real Read one new book every week Say "NO" politely but promptly Say "please" a lot. Say "thank you" more Say opening, not problem Spend less than you earn Spend the REQUIRED time at work Start everyday with a good breakfast Support a charity with time not money Treat all you meet like they were you Use debit cards NOT credit cards Wage war on  litter  Watch a sunrise as often as possible Win wars choose battles wisely Write a blog/diary daily and keep it! The End! If you'd like to add any to the list let me know.  The only "rule" is you have to remove one for each new one, it was tough, I really wanted " Always have clean polished shoes, but I had to drop it.If we adopt it I will mark it as c/o @twittername.