Emperors Old Clothes

Now What or What Now? 

I was diagnosed two years ago as suffering from "severe clinical depression". 

I have suffered without having the label for all of my adult life and much of my childhood. 

However for much of my adult life I was a reasonably successful manager of people.Being responsible for over 300 at any time and though I often suffered pangs of self doubt in public I was seen to be very confident if not a little arrogant. What I had learned to do was to act and I seemingly I was very good at it because almost no one seemed to suspect.

Avoidance was a good way of keeping my secret. Avoiding close personal relationships friendships leading rather than following (being in charge prevents lots of awkward questions).

Then life changed. I lost my job and with it my authority. I lost my marriage and with it my purpose. I fought for a while to keep it but in the struggle lost my dignity. Worst of all the mechanisms I had perfected for hiding my insecurities stopped working! My real self was on show for all too see. I was the naked Emperor and nothing I did seemed capable of covering my nakedness. I was ashamed of what and who I was.

C.B.T. group therapy, anger management classes, prescription drugs, more prescription drugs. Different prescription drugs, hypnosis, individual psychotherapy, counselling. All these and others have been tried none have had a long term effect some no effect at all. Today I hope... I hope for a solution  in the sure and certain knowledge that there will never be one. I have to find new ways to act that hide my real self. Because the real me is tiresome to the mentally well. To be honest pretty bloody tiresome to me as well.

Of all the "treatments" I have been exposed too the one that seems to have the most effect is this one - writing. More specifically this anonymous writing. It's too simplistic to say its cathartic but it is having an effect it is helping me to understand myself a little better.

Avoid worthlessness. Put a premium on your Dignity!

I realise now that it had long been a wish to be a writer or actor/performer and that along life's meanderings my wishes for myself had been forgotten. Set aside so that the acting me,(the one who was always in charge) could be supporting, understanding even mentoring of everyone else. I became what everyone else wanted and never really ever got to decide who I was. The consequence of this is that I now have no self esteem. I am pleased to find that the real me is actually sensitive, romantic even, that I see more good in others than I used too. Am able to celebrate the successes of others without jealousy. Enjoy reading the words of others and love the ability that the internet offers to engage directly with the author.
I am nervous that amongst my family and friends (many of the former, few of the latter), that these qualities are a little effete and unsubstantial. That's OK for now  I am able to share with the digital ether that is the inter-web.

Sitting here not quite fully clothed.

Stripped of kingdom dignity and all  held dear. Learning to make new. Stitching life threads

together one experience at a time. It's a slow process and you prick your thumb often.

One day we'll have glorious new clothes. (Hopefully!)

ATB

Agides xx

Catch 42

Look it up in your favoured browser, the meaning of life is “42”. Douglas Adams may well be smiling at how his apocryphal assertion has become the ultimate answer. But there is a catch.

For me the meaning of life changes dramatically as events along life’s itinerary  impact and it seems to me that these meanderings impact a "mal de tête" person in a disproportionate way.

 The difficulty with the meaning of life whilst suffering a mental illness is that it is in constant flux. Frequently and most damagingly it reaches its nadir in possession of zero meaning. A state reached far too many times and very deeply in recent weeks. Despite a greater understanding of how, one that never feels easier to return from... Whatever you get told!

'There is always the Dog to talk too'

Doctors and psychiatric workers will be horrified by this as its the basic assumption all their work is predicated upon. That the more one understands the factors that precede depressive feelings,the easier you'll find it to modify them’. The reality seems to be that the more one understands, the more one questions the reasons why the pea soup persistently descends. And questions one’s ability to ever permanently prevent it from falling.

The questions you ask yourself are nearly all unanswerable. But often those canvassed by others (not least professionals) bewilder. They are often risible to a malignant, miasmic, mind:

"Have you ever been truly happy?" 

"Have you ever been depression free?"

"Have you ever been hopeful?"

"Tell me why do ‘you’, think you're unhappy"

"Why are you sad?"

"What causes them to start?"

"When is it at its worst?"......;

"What!?"

'20,000  Doubts under the Skull'

Sometimes I forget that those things really exist. There are fleeting moments. Unfortunately guilt persistently swamps the joys just as they are being recognised as such. This guilt is like a cloak that depression wears to cover you in darkness.To make you invisible before joy takes hold too firmly. Then comes the doubt... The doubt that you will ever truly rid yourself of this whirling mass of unanswerable questions. Painful overwhelming doubts. The doubts within the ungraspable dark grey covered  'duck down' duvet. Engorged with the leaden weights of memories too heavy to release from inside this cover. Meant to bring you warmth and comfort. It instead presses down on you in a way that makes you feel as though 'all that you are' is racing to your brain. To escape your body and the only route out is through your eyes. So overwhelmed by the flow that the tears appear as a stream and you wonder if they will ever be 'drops' again. The doubt - the doubt that sows seeds of self deprecation that germinate in rivulets of tears and the swanlike songs of Bunyan's slough"

So there you are mental health problems are really a Catch 22. A paradox where the attempting to escape suffering of depression seems to make the escape impossible and each new attempt makes the next episode more painful and more desperate.

"TOWARDS THE LIGHT! you bloody fool!"

AH! I hear the crowds roar; ' but you proved you can escape so next time you'll feel better because you know you can do it!'

'Really?' how many times do you visit failure before saying 'no more!'

Drink from the puddle the first day you may be quenched drink from it every day you may be trenched.

I have fought back with extreme effort this time. I have walked further with and spoken more to  my dog’s (to reassure myself I still have a voice).Though enjoying these things the respite from my troubled mind looms above me as a terrifying reminder that, the next plummet into the 20,000 doubts under the skull is but a pin prick in a buoyancy tank away. It has left me very tired.

If Adam's is right?; The meaning of a 'Life' with mental health?

It's a Catch 42......

My boy has Detention? I'm so Proud!

My eldest phoned today. It was 8.40 am. a little unusual, honestly.

Hey Dad, you okay?

I'm fine L... What’s up?

Oh you know... I was ringing because I have a Maths test today and I wanted one of your you can do it positive talks that you do, to make me feel better."

Oh really? Well you already know what I’ll say don’t you?

Yeah, but I wanted to hear you say it.

Okay fella, well, all you have to do is your best; because we both know your best is good enough, and try to do so well that they have to tell you, all right?

Thanks Dad.

That's okay matey any time you know that.

Um, Dad, I need to tell you something else.

OK fella! you're sounding serious there, what do you need to tell me?

I need to tell you I've got an after school detention tomorrow.

“.............................”
Dad!?

Yes Fella?

You okay?

I'm fine son, I'm fine really. I just needed a sec'; sorry bud.

Fine? Really ? You sure?

I'm absolutely 'fine' son. I'm chuffed because you phoned me, I'm pleased because you were honest and I'm even happier because I wanted you to phone and tell me and you did! I already knew about the detention because the school emailed me too tell me.

Oh god, they emailed you!

Yes they emailed me, I thought you might know.

I had no idea Dad I thought because we live with Mum they’d only tell her.

Well now you know. I asked the school to send me school newsletters and updates by email so they do. Occasionally I get stuff about what you will be doing and this time I got one about detention. They didn't tell me why you had detention though.

Oh it was nothing serious.

Serious enough to get a detention fella so I’d still like to know.

It was stupid Dad honest, not worth it really.

Well you're sounding a bit embarrassed just go for it go on, if you've been punished by Mum I'm not going to once is enough.

Well OK, so I was messing about in a lesson spinning round on my chair when  ever the teacher turned her back on the class and then I fell off and loads of people started laughing so the teacher turned round and shouted 'what were you doing ' and I said 'nothing Miss' and she said 'well you obviously were' and she sent me to see the year tutor for disrupting class because so many of the class were laughing.

And then what?

He asked me what I thought I was doing and I said 'nothing sir' and he said 'as you seem to know how to do nothing so well, you can do nothing for an hour after school in detention.'

Oh right! Well I'm disappointed really, it seems a shame to me that you would disrupt everyone’s lesson for no good reason and it was careless to fall off your chair. What were you trying to gain from it?

I was trying to get the girl behind me to laugh.

Oh I see, well  next time don't do it during a lesson OK? You better get in school's about to start I’ll see you at the weekend okay, Love you.

Love you to Dad bye!

I am so proud! 

The Rules of Life.

The Rules of Life. I think the boys like to test me sometimes. One of the things that is difficult as a Dad with limited time is that you have to be able to overcome issues in a weekend that have been festering in the boys minds for up to two weeks.This means that when I collect them from school on the alternate Friday I get bombarded by all 3 at the same time as they get in the car. We have had to put a rule in place about not talking over each other or at the same time and another about not showing Dad the thing you did at school until we get home. If we have to park and wait for big brother to come out we take it turns to show Dad what we have in the school bag. It took a while to get this under control because naturally the boys are very excited when I collect them and are desperate to tell me all their news. Of course there is also the competitive element of telling Dad the shared experience first!  It really is not easy The point  is that we have "Rules". Simple rules but its often the case that the rules at Dads are different from the other places the boys spend time.So rules is a subject that comes up fairly often. Rules of the house are agreed by everyone and if they boys want to have a rule for something then we discuss it and if we all think its a good rule then we implement it. For example; At bed time if you get ready for bed the first time of asking without moaning or hesitating then you get to come back down and have an extra half an hour. To sit with Dad  cuddle talk  or read whatever even finish off your game if you really have too. But you have to have put dirty clothes in the laundry basket washed face and hands had a wee and brushed your teeth,.If you have missed anything  then you only get 5 minutes. It works really well and it means I have never had an issue at bedtime with any of the boys .The real reward is having a chance to read to each other. I have been encouraging the boys for some time to read to me at bed time as well as the other way round. We usually take it in turns and they absolutely love doing it. Bed times become special and something they look forward too. So a couple of years ago  my middle son came up with the following; a real doozy of a question. 'Dad, Is there one special rule?' One special rule? I suppose always say please and thank you, would be up there, why? My friends Dad said there's only one rule for life. Oh dear, this could be awkward. I don't want to undermine another parent but I also need to ensure my boys rethink comments from adults with out questioning them inappropriately or seeming  to undermine them. So I try to encourage them to think about things. Rather than always giving a straight answer maybe encourage them to find one. Maybe asking what they think and working an answer into their thoughts. Not always successfully and sometimes it's easier to give a straight response but I try not to if possible. 'Oh I see! and did he say what the rule was?' 'You know the thing you always say about do the thing you have to do the first chance you get.' 'Yeeeesssss.' 'Well his is like that. He says; "Do it to them before they do it to you"!" Oh right, Well I think I know what he means, but that's not really how I would put it. How could we say it a little different so it doesn't sound so rough do you think? I don't know Dad, it depends if you're trying to hurt someone or help them. Well we wouldn't want to hurt anyone would we? He shakes his head, The truth is buddy that there isn't one single rule. I might have put his rule a little differently some times the way we say something  can make it easier to understand. How about we change it just a little. How Dad? Well how about we say "Do it FOR them before they do it FOR you!? So it is about helping then, like helping someone that wants to help you? A word cloud to guide us! I think that's a good way to put it Phew!.... So I got to thinking, how many rules do you need?  I worry that we have too many because I don't want to stunt creativity or thought but I feel the boys enjoy being part of the process of rule making and certainly the structure  they bring seems to help everybody. So we had a chat and decided to come up with rules for Life!  WOW! really? well sort of. The boys wrote huge lists including things like don't pick  your nose and eat it! or Don't step on a stone in bare feet!?( I don't know either !).  In the end we put them all together and I edited everything and we agreed to a  maximum of 50. Still a big number and bearing in mind how many we started with,  (I think around 260!)it seemed like a good number. I have tried to make them short  and simple and over the years they have changed a little but we've kept at 50. So Ladies and Gentleman I give you!.....Da Dada Dada daa! 50 rules for life : as created by 3 boys and 1 Dad  (with judicious editing by Dad!) Admit mistakes with quickly Ask who's doing the best way to do it Be bold have no regrets Be early or on time Be regular Beware someone with nothing to lose Buy the best you can afford Call your Mum daily Carry an organ donor card Compliment someone every day Decide difficult tasks Won't go wrong Do IT the first  chance you get Do nothing when angry Drink water at every meal Enter rooms with confidence Exercise 30 mins daily Give blood yearly after you're 18 Gossip? Never! If you pay and its wrong complain It's o.k. to say "I don't know." It's good to say "I'm sorry." Keep hope alive, never take it away Keep secrets Keep your bucket list on you Keep yourself clean Learn a trade/instrument or better both Listen carefully or you may miss it Look people in the eye Make new friends, keep old ones Never cheat Never underestimate forgiveness Never walk out on a row with anyone Pay for work when done not before Pretend bravery's just as effective as real Read one new book every week Say "NO" politely but promptly Say "please" a lot. Say "thank you" more Say opening, not problem Spend less than you earn Spend the REQUIRED time at work Start everyday with a good breakfast Support a charity with time not money Treat all you meet like they were you Use debit cards NOT credit cards Wage war on  litter  Watch a sunrise as often as possible Win wars choose battles wisely Write a blog/diary daily and keep it! The End! If you'd like to add any to the list let me know.  The only "rule" is you have to remove one for each new one, it was tough, I really wanted " Always have clean polished shoes, but I had to drop it.If we adopt it I will mark it as c/o @twittername.