Maybe you’re in mad (A Sonnet)

"It's not that you believe people are lying when they tell you that they love you, or when they say that you have value. You just think they're mistaken. 'I love you.' 'I know you do. I know you think you do.’ It’s all in the thought" (Agides, 2015)

Maybe you’re in mad  

Belief in mental illness is the same

as she convinced by what she thinks is real.

In search of feeling... fearful of the name

its promise without trust; has no appeal.

Shaping shared translations each will steal

closer to the truth than many others.

Compassion their combined Achilles heel

agápe flowed, from blind-hearted mothers.

When lovers say they love you; have they lied?

When loves announce they lied; is that your truth?

Affection seems like bullshit we denied

or failed to learn as signals in our youth.

All should just believe that love is giving 

Live to love: a life that is worth living

Standing in Sunshine

“Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in one's own sunshine.”

― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Unique feelings,

vicarious -

of duty

fear- 

loss – 

waste -

achievement?

an anxious calm

feelings fed from

another’s memory

recollecting times

never known

places never been

loves never kissed

horrors never seen

pains never felt

all seen in the eye of the

collective mind.

Feeling pride in the

intangible

touching that past

with another’s finger;

transcendent connections

to the grey

spurning spines

carrying static tingles

deep to the

meat of your chest.

without manifest memory

family stories of

what granddad did in the war,

there exists this

celestial kinship.

searching… in that

genealogical gulf

for the stories
that connect us

to history’s winding coil

that elusive intuit which

may just inform us

transform us

confirm us

in our beliefs

expectations

understandings

Looking;

for explanations
of what we’ve become

of what we are

of what we think   we are

of what we imagine   we are

others may think    we are

that virtue that would be -

'tae see oor-selles as others see us.’*

'what did  granddad do in the war?'

He stepped out of his sunshine -

so we could stand

in ours.

 *From the poem, ‘To a Louse’ – Robert Burns

Choose

Some hearts are so split open

You see bleeding in dying eyes

Others get so badly burnt

They taste bitter char on blistered kiss

Some have a lust so vanquishing

You feel them beat their sensuality to death

Others with a lust so debilitating

They stumble in shadowed feelings and miss.

Some with a love so desperate

You smell them in their foetid fear

Others with a love so disfiguring

They hold their faith in a knot wizened fist.

She owns hate to keep
her company; Scorn to keep
her warm; Fear to keep
her lonely - safe from being harmed.

You choose.

George's War

Princess Josephine (image courtesy wikipedia)

He woke late. Emily; pregnant with their fifth child, lay heavily in a warm wet glow from a fitful sleep. He'd lain awake wondering if this would be their second boy. They had chatted before sleeping of the void left by the passing of their first son aged only eight months. Emily had the three girls to help but George coveted a son to share his gardens and joys.

“Stay there Emm. I’ll get the girls to keep an eye on things”.

Kathleen was thirteen and managed well. The younger two between them doing all those little things that mum struggled with now her sight was lost. George kissed Emily’s pink glowing belly. ‘See you soon little man’ he said picking his cream leather helmet from a hook on the bedroom door before turning; 'love you Em'.

He weaved the black chromed motorcycle along baked autumn lanes, a Blackfin tuna in a rippling sea. She was glossy, glimmer bright, fishtail exhausts polished to a gleam brighter than a smile in a child’s eye. She wore a jet black sidecar, languishing like a platinum draped Josephine Baker. She was his joy his release his obsession his mistress.

It was late morning, an Indian summer day October 1938. Chamberlain had returned a few days earlier with his fluttering paper promise. His Princess always out on Sundays releasing her from her wooden temple taking her to visit his parents. It was about twenty five miles along the counties byways and he knew the route like he knew the growing phases of his prize rhododendrons.

The sun baked a shimmer into the road, making it uncomfortably warm. Sweating heavily in jacket and pale gauntlets his helmet squeaked with perspiration; pushing the peak back every few miles was useless, He pulled over. George took a coarse grey knitted blanket from the sidecar, brought to wrap plants from his father’s estate. Removing helmet and jacket the blanket was used to dry his nape and forehead before replacing and adding his jacket. He pushed the helmet down firmly onto his crown thumping it down with the side of a clenched hand to get a good tight purchase. The rough wiry blanket combined with sweat and rubbing of chin straps had left his jowl sore so he’d left them unfastened. He was fewer than five miles from his parent’s cottage.

Cooler now cruising winding roads, thinning woodland flowing past. Torrents of rose and sage leaves rose as he reached them lowered as he passed in a wave of branches. Ahead the road bore sharp right it was simple to cut the angle by skirting the inside kerb drifting back across he had done it a hundred or more times. This time an enormous moss green liveried bull in the shape of an army Scammell took the same bend from the opposite direction. George snatched at the brake.

But for his sidecar he may well have avoided impact. It had slapped the bulbous wheel arch of the beast and flicked the bike into the air. The bike remains of the side-car and George had their momentum violently stopped by a stolid statuesque gilt leafed Elm tree. Wrapped around its trunk tighter than puttee’s, soldiers leaped from the lorry racing to the confusion; dangling like a pink grub eaten fruit from the blackened branches. His right leg severely lacerated by torn metal he was trapped, the bike above him. His helmet had burst from his head clattered against the hanging branches bouncing into the road.  A junior crewman mistook it for his head and fainted. Hot fuel and oil leaking from the tanks dripped, blistering flesh from his cheek and neck. A gunner grabbed a piece of blanket cloth wrapped into the branches pushing it over his face to stop the burning. The cloth soaked up dripping fuel. Crew and passers-by helped yank the bike out of the trees. In that moment the heat from the engine ignited the cloth  instantly melting it into George’s face and neck. Jackets were ripped from backs and three men beat at the flames and body aware that the whole might explode at any moment. They managed to peel George from the crumpled metal throwing him across the road away from the danger. He passed out from the excrutiating pain.

Emily was told of the accident in the late afternoon. A baby boy was born later that day, five days early. It would be several weeks before Dad met son. He was a beautiful baby.Everyone said how much he looked like his mum

©Agides

Emperors Old Clothes

Now What or What Now? 

I was diagnosed two years ago as suffering from "severe clinical depression". 

I have suffered without having the label for all of my adult life and much of my childhood. 

However for much of my adult life I was a reasonably successful manager of people.Being responsible for over 300 at any time and though I often suffered pangs of self doubt in public I was seen to be very confident if not a little arrogant. What I had learned to do was to act and I seemingly I was very good at it because almost no one seemed to suspect.

Avoidance was a good way of keeping my secret. Avoiding close personal relationships friendships leading rather than following (being in charge prevents lots of awkward questions).

Then life changed. I lost my job and with it my authority. I lost my marriage and with it my purpose. I fought for a while to keep it but in the struggle lost my dignity. Worst of all the mechanisms I had perfected for hiding my insecurities stopped working! My real self was on show for all too see. I was the naked Emperor and nothing I did seemed capable of covering my nakedness. I was ashamed of what and who I was.

C.B.T. group therapy, anger management classes, prescription drugs, more prescription drugs. Different prescription drugs, hypnosis, individual psychotherapy, counselling. All these and others have been tried none have had a long term effect some no effect at all. Today I hope... I hope for a solution  in the sure and certain knowledge that there will never be one. I have to find new ways to act that hide my real self. Because the real me is tiresome to the mentally well. To be honest pretty bloody tiresome to me as well.

Of all the "treatments" I have been exposed too the one that seems to have the most effect is this one - writing. More specifically this anonymous writing. It's too simplistic to say its cathartic but it is having an effect it is helping me to understand myself a little better.

Avoid worthlessness. Put a premium on your Dignity!

I realise now that it had long been a wish to be a writer or actor/performer and that along life's meanderings my wishes for myself had been forgotten. Set aside so that the acting me,(the one who was always in charge) could be supporting, understanding even mentoring of everyone else. I became what everyone else wanted and never really ever got to decide who I was. The consequence of this is that I now have no self esteem. I am pleased to find that the real me is actually sensitive, romantic even, that I see more good in others than I used too. Am able to celebrate the successes of others without jealousy. Enjoy reading the words of others and love the ability that the internet offers to engage directly with the author.
I am nervous that amongst my family and friends (many of the former, few of the latter), that these qualities are a little effete and unsubstantial. That's OK for now  I am able to share with the digital ether that is the inter-web.

Sitting here not quite fully clothed.

Stripped of kingdom dignity and all  held dear. Learning to make new. Stitching life threads

together one experience at a time. It's a slow process and you prick your thumb often.

One day we'll have glorious new clothes. (Hopefully!)

ATB

Agides xx

The best part about "Being a Dad?"

"Dad?"
"Yes buddy".
"What's the best part of being a Dad?"
"The best PART!"
"Yeah and don't say YOU SON! You always say that!"

I am frequently amazed by how or why some questions get asked.
The truth is that the simple answer is, "YOU SON", the boys, they truly are the best part.
All three have now asked this question and all at about the same age, there is clearly something going on in a boys life at the age of seven or eight that has them wondering about adult life, I think its about this age they become aware that adulthood is an inevitability and they better start learning about it, they become self aware, conscious that they grow physically and change.

Is it the Football Dad?

"Seriously Dad.! Is it the football?"
"The Football?"
"Yeah, you always come to the games, you got us all into teams, you drive us to all the games you cheer louder than the other Dads, you take us to buy new boots, you even help sometimes with coaching and stuff, is that the best part about being a Dad, like when we win or score?"

Okay let's see, Is it Football?

What's not great about that? The belly in tumult at the notion they might get hurt during this, what is often the  first great solo excursion on lifes journey, or they might not enjoy it or the coach might not want them, or they might not get on with the other children, or he takes a ball full in the face and bursts into tears, or maybe he just bursts into to tears because he doesn't like it, or he waves to you when its his turn in goal only for the ball to fly past him as he's telling you how cool it all is, and that was just enough to start him crying and not wanting to be in goal, and then theres the untied shoelace that he stops to tuck in his boot because he doesn't know how to tie football laces up because they are so long and right at the moment the ball is heading towards him with no one else around and an open goal, so he goes to kick it and trips over the lace, and then falls to the ground, and skins his knee, and  yours is the child that kicks another one or even worse kick his own teammate, or sits down in the middle of the game in the centre circle sulking, or walks off during the game because he spotted the swings on the other side of the park, and they look like more fun, or that dog next to that man just so needs to be stroked right now or none of the boys understand how this is supposed to work so all game long all you see this phalanx of a dozen, 5 year olds all running in the same direction, like a Benny Hill skit  including the boy who is supposed to be in goal, and the opposition, trying to kick it away and missing, desperate to be the one to kick the ball, not one having any sense of "position" it's about kicking the ball Dad! or they lose 15 goals to nil, or your son is the one that called the referee stupid just loud enough to be heard and get sent off,or he's the substitute again, or he missed an open goal or the one with the wrong socks or it's freezing cold and you have no jacket and he needs your gloves and you can't feel your toes or its so hot you sweat standing still and you've forgotten the water bottles and his nose is burnt and so is yours and the youngest is bored and doesn't want to watch and eats all the jaffa cakes that were meant for the team at halftime and then he feels sick and throws up on your shoes during the second half or  he 's the one that wants to go home or the one that needs a wee or, Oh No! Not a number 2 buddy ! Please no! the games just started !

It's the Memories Buddy!

Oh my god this isn't worth it! Is it?

More than worth it.

The best part? The Memories we have and the memories to come!
What you have given me until now and what you will give me in the future

YOU are the best part about being a Dad my sons!

©Agides

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Boys, Beef and Tomatoes

You know how every now and again  you set about making your world famous chili , lasagna  or spag-bol, but no matter how many times you make it and regardless of whether you used exactly the same ingredients as last time, it always comes out just a little bit different every single time? What is that all about? I know I did it the same last time! Didn’t I?

The really wonderful thing about this is even though it’s different each time everyone still really likes it! Phew! Thank goodness for that they're my best recipes.

I have three boy’s same mum same me so why is it despite all you learn about life and family it is still a source of gob smacking amazement just how different 3 boys with the same parents and upbringing can be from each other? Can’t be all that different can they? Oh yes they can!

Apart from differences in age the boys are as different as my three best mince and tin tomato based dishes.

I wonder if I can sell them?

L.. is 13; he is a very serious guy but a real talker. Older in his attitudes than a Tory initiative he asks serious questions like the one from the last posting. He works really hard, he has a paper round at weekends  helps in a shop once a week, and sweeps a car park twice a week. He gave the newsagent his number and covers any absence on week day rounds getting up very early to do it. And he’s a bit of an entrepreneur. He washes your car for a fee and recently decided there was money in dog walking so advertised his services on the local Gumtree (to be fair an idea he nicked from a cousin, but still!),Very enterprising and very lucrative too! He loves people, plays soccer for an u14’s team (he’s a lefty so nearly always plays). He cycles miles at a time, and thinks nothing of cycling 8-10 miles. Regularly doing just that to visit a cousin who has never done the same. He is,to coin a phrase 'as fit as a butchers dog'. He’s the fulcrum of teenage events. Everyone knows him and it seems likes him. He's "one of the guys". He is good at school. Not Einstein but consistent and at a good level in most subjects and in one or two very good indeed. Despite all this though he does lack just a little in self confidence at times. For the sake of the world and Richard Branson maybe not such a bad thing.

Drawn age 8

S.... is 9; he is quiet intense and can concentrate better than a juice extraction factory. I've not met a child that can focus so intently for so long. His passion is insects but his interests include all of nature and anything that fly’s. Writing about all these and drawing them as well in extraordinary detail sometimes. He reads voraciously and is in love with knowledg, (at the moment it’s White Fang by Jack London). His questions invariably have me scuttling to Google to maintain the guise of the all knowing Dad! He has taught

me so much about so many things, I can remember at the age of 3 he could identify and name 50+ dinosaurs from a book originally bought for his older brother and pronounce them correctly as well. He sends me messages about his latest finds and emails his drawings of spiders and is now, he informs me with significant conviction, writing the definitive book on insects living in his neighbourhood! I have no idea where he gets it from. He is a gentle boy full of love and never afraid to show i. He takes enormous care over everything biting the end of his tongue as he works away on his latest passion but is very content in his own company. He loves cooking with me and is remarkably adventurous with his food. Genuinely keen to try everything even wanting to try deep fried grasshoppers last summer. I drew the line at that as he couldn't catch enough for everyone to have some, Thank goodness.

See those tree's Dad?
I can climb them. I can!

C.... well he’s 8; he is "THE HUMAN DYNAMOHHH!" This boy would leave Chuck Norris begging for mercy if he was his sitter. He is a Boy with a capital B every time. This child wastes no time.  If something’s in the way go through it, it takes too long to go round. His life is about experience. He does everything physical with full out gusto. When he runs its as fast as he can every time. If he’s jumping its higher every time. If he’s climbing (Oh boy! and he does climb!), it’s further than anyone ever! Everything about his life is Fun and he has the most incredible imagination. This of course means he tells the most outstanding stories about his adventures. They're based in truth but somehow the hill down the lane from the house becomes a mountain and the pond becomes a lake. Cats are always as big as tigers and the time he saw a fox it turned into Sirius Blacks animagus but bigger. And  SPIDERS! Ha! He winds his brother up all the time saying he’s found a bigger spider than him! The scale of his world is breathtaking, I adore it. I get raised eyebrows from some for letting him explore the world at his age,(I've been letting him for a while) but to be honest the world he inhabits is his and he is King of it so off you go my liege. He's the leader of the gang and has a knack for drawing other quieter children out of themselves. Having made one wee man near here a very different boy by befriending him, much to his mum's delight. He knocks at the door every weekend asking for him even though he knows it’s every other it is very cute.

OK so let’s admit this, C....s' lust for life is a problem to some. It has gotten him on the wrong side of school teachers, and academically he is by the standard measures at least, “behind”. They tell me he suffers from A.D.H.D. I tell them he doesn't suffer at all. He loves life and some of us could learn a lot from him if we just took time to accommodate instead of try to change him. I get told off for that a lot. So I say fine he Approaches Days with Healthy Disrespect! I'm not trying to diminish this I just love how he embraces freedom and life and wish I was more like him. Come to think of it I wish EVERYONE was just a bit more like him! 

My three best "dishes" feed my soul, my mind, my dreams, my hopes, my life and I never feel empty when they're around, I would like that to be more often and as I improve so do the chances. Here's hoping!
Gotta Love ‘em!

©Agides 

What Do You Wish You Knew?

I should have said before I am a Dad. 

Not sure how good a Dad but I try. I wish I was better. More than anything I wish I spent far more time with my remarkable boys. Oh yeah,I forgot! like so many others I am divorced from their mum and she has them for the bulk of time.

A month or so ago I got into a funk about not seeing them more I realised my MH meant it wasn't possible but I decided I should try to do something about it. 

Hello! Can you dig me out now Guys!

The Boy's came to visit and we talked about how we could talk to each other more. Like most modern boys they have mobiles and laptops so we set up email accounts for each so I could write things to them as a team or as individuals. We have a thing called "Team *family name* when we do shared chores where each of us has one part to do like washing up. One washes one dry's one puts away that sort of thing.

Most of these will stay personal but I thought I'd put a few on to the blog to show how hard I am trying to keep away the moisture that becomes the smog.

My oldest boy who is 13 asked me that day, 'What did you wish you'd  known when you were little that you know now?'

Crikey! (as we English are prone to saying.) 

We talked for about an hour with my 9 yr old and 8 yr old boys joining in over a strawberry milk. Middle son 'I bet you wish you knew about all the different types of ants there are eh Dad!'  'Oh yes buddy, I really do.'( I don't need to know now because he tells me!).
'Do you wish you could ride your bike to your friends house like I do Dad?' 
That's my 8yr old talking. 'Well I did like to do that but not as much as you do!' 

My eldest has learnt to be patient with all this and was very quiet after the first few minutes of asking and being interrupted. It seemed important to him I could tell, but I wasn't sure why. We talked quietly after the 2 youngest drifted away to their respective things but like many young men he didn't seem to want to explain why he was interested.

Rain does not stop play!

Our day moved on and before they went I promised to write them each an email almost every day. I've kept a pretty good strike rate up not every day but several times a week at least. Not always a lot sometimes a link to a web site or video or a one line message. But  a few days after they had been I sat thinking about the eldest and decided I should try to answer him.

I thought hard about this and I will be honest searched the web for inspiration. Lot's had stuff that was useful but nothing that seemed to answer to my boy specifically. So I jotted a lot of things down and came up with the following. 

I sent it to all 3 but my eldest was the one who texted me back an hour or so later. ("Thanks Dad! That's well cool!)

The following is what I sent and thanks to all on the interweb that inspired it.

These things that I’d like you to know more than anything else:

YOU! Are more than good enough. Okay!

Most people are afraid to do things because they are afraid they’re not good enough afraid they’ll get it wrong. But ‘YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH’ – Learn this and you won’t be afraid of new opportunities you won’t be afraid to get it wrong wont need the approval of others. You’ll be pre-approvedà by you( and me of course! ;)).

Make mistakes! Get it Wrong Sometimes!

Your mistakes will be your best teachers. Instead of being frightened of mistakes learn to enjoy them. BUT! Learn to learn from them and learn to put them behind you quickly. You don’t need them to affect your confidence okay? You don’t need someone else to make you happy with your choices. You don’t need a teacher to tell you that you’re great at what you do you don’t need a boyfriend/girlfriend to tell you that you are worth loving  you don’t need your ‘friends’ approval. Having loved ones and friends in your life is amazing  find them keep them cherish them but know who you are first.

Have fun being active

Sure there’s a lot of fun to be had on line and in eating sweets and chips and in watching Telly and films and playing video games. But going outside and playing with your friends (or me)) throwing a ball around, swimming climbing something challenging each other these are even more fun and lead to a healthier life healthier heart and more energetic better focused and more alert mind.

Learn Compassion

Okay I know you want what you want. Having compassion is about realising we are not more important than anyone else and we are not the centre of the universe. Someone annoys you? So What! Get over it! Step outside your little shell and try to understand how their day is going maybe you can help them be less angry or suffer less pain. Think about putting the other person first but don’t ignore your needs and remember a need is not a want!

Never stop Learning

If you just learn one little something each day it will add up over time immensely. Never assume you know and never ever be afraid to ask a question there is no such thing as a "stupid question" ! If you don't know ASK! and if someone tells you it's stupid remember it means they were too scared to ask for that reason and one day will miss out because they didn't ask! Stay in education as long as you possibly can the friends you make in college will last longer than any others you make.

Everything you need to be Happy you already have

Some people think happiness is in food drugs alcohol shopping partying sex.Because these things make them happy they're wrong. They don't realise happiness is not what you do it's what you are. Inside  you already have the ability to make and create and do something meaningful even in a small way that's what happiness is.

Spend less than you Earn

Try to save £30 out of every £100 you earn. Everybody that gets money starts spending immediately usually on possessions eating out stuff they won’t have 5yrs later a car rent often using credit cards. None of these matters as your life grows don’t spend what you don’t have. Learn to go without be happy with less now you will have more later on. Learn the difference between need and want. You work hard for your money so make it work hard for you let it grow care for it like you would anything in your life.Your future will be very pleased you did and will thank you; I promise.

 Learn to Love Healthy Food

Learn to cook for yourself. (Isn't it great when we cook together?) Try foods that are new healthy, different. Cook from scratch it's healthier and much less expensive as we have proved many times. Try everything at least once. You cannot know until you try. (Do I need to remind you? No thought not! ;))

Do not avoid Discomfort! Get good at it!

Trying to avoid discomfort is a common mistake. I have learned it’s a mistake. Learning to be okay with some discomfort will change your life.(Remember the camping holiday? Wasn't that the best fun we've ever had?). The things that stress you out in the end never matter, they really don’t, let them go. Take a bigger view of life. Will this matter tomorrow or next week? The answer is No more often than not. If the answer happens to be Yes then Deal with it! REMEMBER! Do things the very first opportunity you get!

Savour everything about life

Not just the usual stuff but everything and everyone the stranger on the bus the sun on your face, the morning quiet, time with loved ones, time alone, the sound of your breath as you run. Slow down, take time to think and relax.Read a book, clear your mind occasionally. If you have to make the same journey every day make a conscious decision to notice differences each day you make that trip. It is possible, if you really look, it may be a new bird, a flower, a loose roof tile, a newly dug hole, who knows? Look! and think about looking pay attention to your surroundings they matter.

At least once in Life: Start your own Business

I always thought that owning a business was what other people did. I was wrong. It’s possible for anyone to start their own business and while you'll probably do badly at first you'll learn quickly. It’s a very effective education possibly as good as college. Everything useful I've learnt was learnt from doing. That said; I've had some amazing teachers. They're not always in school, though: they're everywhere. A friend I made at work my parents, friends, brothers, sisters, grandparents, uncles and aunts my wife, even you, my children. Teachers are everywhere, if you're willing to learn. Realise everyone has the potential to teach you something even if it's how not to do something!

Change is Good-: Learn to be Good at Change

Change is something you can guarantee will happen. Learn to let go of “things” and learn to have a flexible mind. Don't get stuck doing what's comfortable don't shut out what’s new or uncomfortable. Accept change and it will be better for you it’s a part of life go with it and relax you might just find you like it.

Let Life be Amazing

Life can be amazing if you don’t shut it out. People are amazing if you don’t shut them out. Be willing to accept that hurt sometimes comes with an open heart,(you’ll survive)that’s how to experience the best of life. Success is cool but not as a rule to live by unless it’s about success in love and family. Love your family, friends, co-workers, stranger, your brothers and sister, humanity. Love even those that think they are your enemy let them make that choice though you must never do so. Love the animals we treat as friends and food but most of all; Love You! There’s a song called ‘The Greatest Love of All’ by a singer called George Benson, download it and learn the words by heart, okay?

And Always Remember this:

I LOVE YOU WITH

EVERY ATOM OF MY BEING!

DAD :)
©Agides

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Albion

 ENGLAND'S DREAMING?

Apologies to Rupert Brooke,

Before you cry think upon this for free

That there are corners of some child’s minds

That are forever failed by family. There shall be

In those hoped rich minds a sickened brain congealed

A mind of loins born, shaped, made to despair,

gave at once mans prejudices to love, his ways to follow;

A child of parents breathing poisoned air,

washed by ignorance, "blest" by sons of sorrow.

And think, this child mans evil led astray,

A pulse in the perverted mind, un-bless

gives back somewhere the pain of parents given

their frights and hounds; ‘mares sad as the grey

and violence learned of fiends; and hatefulness,

in hearts at pace; under an England riven.

©Agides