Maybe you’re in mad (A Sonnet)

"It's not that you believe people are lying when they tell you that they love you, or when they say that you have value. You just think they're mistaken. 'I love you.' 'I know you do. I know you think you do.’ It’s all in the thought" (Agides, 2015)

Maybe you’re in mad  

Belief in mental illness is the same

as she convinced by what she thinks is real.

In search of feeling... fearful of the name

its promise without trust; has no appeal.

Shaping shared translations each will steal

closer to the truth than many others.

Compassion their combined Achilles heel

agápe flowed, from blind-hearted mothers.

When lovers say they love you; have they lied?

When loves announce they lied; is that your truth?

Affection seems like bullshit we denied

or failed to learn as signals in our youth.

All should just believe that love is giving 

Live to love: a life that is worth living

She'll Have To Go

There was only one solution. He had to get rid of the dog; without them knowing. At night. It would need to be at night. He would drive, someplace. He’d decide later where, open the doors, let it out, drive away. Sooner the better. He felt relieved making the decision. Any action was better than none. He was convinced.

The dog adored car journeys and loved its station wagon bed. Visits to family, the treat giving vet or the large park across town; where she got to run free of the leash. There’d be no trouble sneaking her out.

An hour in with light failing he had a sense she had not settled. In the rearview mirror he saw her wandering in circles looking for the perfect spot to curl up. Lifting her nose, sniffing the air, another four-footed waltz; and repeat. Could she sense his unease? Was his musk of worry drifting back? She’d always been asleep by now. He could see she was unsettled. He could feel his own tension. He watched as she nosed the air as if trying to identify a scent.

A well-lit free-way, long, narrow and straight. It went on for an age and the car seemed not to change direction for even longer. Her ears had remained pricked since he’d noticed. She now seemed to be searching for shapes and sounds through the rear window. They exited the highway onto a narrow street. After half a mile he turned onto a dirt track. The noise from the tires changed. A lower register of loose gravel surrounded the car. He killed the engine. Surrounded by sentinel pines he crooked his head to look up through the windshield to find some sky. He saw treetops almost touching, like fingers closing in prayer. He sat back and blew out his cheeks.

Opening his door he stepped into the night. The internal light lit inches of darkness. She stood expectantly, tail slashing the air. He wandered away hearing the beginning of her whine.

Wandering to a space between trees he relaxed against one. As he tidied himself the interior light went out. At that moment the weight of the darkness around him became overwhelming and he felt his eyes moisten under the strain. He had to do this. It had become impossible. She’d be fine. Someone would take her in - she was gentle, just needy. 

He lowered the tailgate. The inside light flashed on, staring at him accusingly. She gazed up, perched on her haunches, awaited the command. ‘O.K. come on’.

She jumped down. Squatting down to calm her he grabbed her ruff, shook it and fussed her firmly. Thumping his leg with her hysterical tail she spotted the ball in his hand and began bobbing and spinning like a Cossack dancer. He rolled the ball into the head-lighted track half a dozen times so that she became distracted by the game. The seventh, pressing his calf against the front fender for purchase, he launched the ball with immense force into the blackness.

As he drove the salt of effort, ache and gloom mixed to stain his face. He had gunned the gas pedal and spun the car down the track as fast as he dare; wheels bouncing off the surface at each dip. He reached the road. The surface smoothed as he approached the intersection to the turnpike. He had been driving only a couple minutes and felt a good distance away. He opened his window. Leaning out he gulped at the breeze. Wind on his face, hair blown back, he felt the foggy dew on his mouth and began to calm.

Guiding the car down the slipway he flicked the signal stalk and drifted into the nearside lane. Reaching the interstate his mind swirled. Thoughts of how he would answer family questions at breakfast began to fill his mind. A high pitched wailing pierced his thoughts; in the rear-view mirror lights lurched into the air, smoke spilled out of torn tyres filling the free-way like morning smog. He pulled onto the hard shoulder a cloud of burning fuel and rubber billowing toward him. Stepping out he saw shadows of vehicles and people. Out of the thickening mist, he saw her. Tennis ball in mouth lurching unevenly.  Her back right leg not touching the ground. She spotted him. Her tail wagged furiously. She hobbled towards him he sunk to his knees felt that involuntary spasm that stirs the stomach and overflows the chest. The leg was badly damaged and fur along her flank was black with matted blood. He picked her up and laid her gently in her bed, tail slowly slapping the floor of the car.

 With his phone he searched for the nearest Vet. Ten minutes later he carried a limp silent bloodied bitch onto a gleaming stainless steel operating table and whispering in her ear begged her to recover. The vet, masked, gestured for him to wait outside.

All he wanted now was for her to survive. How would he explain this all to his girls? He called to explain. The phone answered by a drowsy voice. ‘Hello?’

The vet came into reception, latex gloved fingers streaked red, a plastic apron over green scrubs wearing a mask hooked over ears. She lifted a hand and eyebrows to attract his attention.

‘Sorry darling’. I’ll call you straight back. I promise... Love you.’

___________________________________________________________________________

It's only Werdz (Contains swearing!)

   

I have a fetish for the steel of words.

People state: “Yer don’t ‘alf kno’

a lot of werdz mate!”

I suppose I do but;

What - a - fucking, Waste!

·          

When some baulk at alternate words

Or pull a forced grimace,

That says “Ooer! ‘ark at you

Wiv’ yer big long werdz.

Flash git ain’t-cha mate!

·          

I recently used (without thinking)

The phrase, ‘a visceral feeling’,

They said “ Yoo wot! You fuckin' nob!

‘ave a drink, un' get down off the ceiling!

·          

So I thought, I know what I shall do

I’ll use this thrall in words,

And try to write some poetry.

‘Fill copious page in fulsome prose’

Use all those words that just mean ‘nose’

And show the world that words;

Are luminescent spears,

That pierce the bugger’s atmospheres.

·          

I found a spot where I was able to

Present my poems incognito

I chose an obscure 'nom de plume'

Shared my first in dread.

·          

The first response from someone said.-

“You have a vast vocabulary friend,

its clear, but here’s 'the rub.'

 

you’re rather

out of step

old son,

That wordy stuff,

been overdone.

Poesies knave's

Simplicity and

Brevity is King!”

Oh! Fuck it then!

The King is dead long live the fucking King!

Choose

Some hearts are so split open

You see bleeding in dying eyes

Others get so badly burnt

They taste bitter char on blistered kiss

Some have a lust so vanquishing

You feel them beat their sensuality to death

Others with a lust so debilitating

They stumble in shadowed feelings and miss.

Some with a love so desperate

You smell them in their foetid fear

Others with a love so disfiguring

They hold their faith in a knot wizened fist.

She owns hate to keep
her company; Scorn to keep
her warm; Fear to keep
her lonely - safe from being harmed.

You choose.

Fade...

Heart! O heart! if she'd but turn her head,
You'd know the folly of being comforted.- W.B.Yeats

A memory lost – abandoned?

an ideas catch? - for proof

thoughts out-muscle keys,

broken - open wide

piercing monster eye

green - laser point

cuts pasts wounds…

an opaque
membrane’d veil

blocked thoughts escaped;

bleeding nostalgias gum

secreting into soiled bones.

Thick scar white; heavy

glued to grasp and

anchor aches fast ,

   in hollowed chests.

She; seen - denim jeaned

diablo back dressed

in cascade coils of

corn-silk blonde
face hidden –

gavel hearted
called her name

she turning in seducement swathe,

the same: “Yes… do I know you?”

Mouth spilled again

‘I'm sorry ?’ waif-ted from her lips

'Oh! Sweetie I think…

you might mean -my mum.

‘I'm so sorry…’ stumbled in

grey'd

bricks from my mouth.

Thoughts collapsed
tube light,

pin tight encircled by 

life’s warm red shadow...

              it had - begun to 

                     f
.                     a
                        d
                           e

The best part about "Being a Dad?"

"Dad?"
"Yes buddy".
"What's the best part of being a Dad?"
"The best PART!"
"Yeah and don't say YOU SON! You always say that!"

I am frequently amazed by how or why some questions get asked.
The truth is that the simple answer is, "YOU SON", the boys, they truly are the best part.
All three have now asked this question and all at about the same age, there is clearly something going on in a boys life at the age of seven or eight that has them wondering about adult life, I think its about this age they become aware that adulthood is an inevitability and they better start learning about it, they become self aware, conscious that they grow physically and change.

Is it the Football Dad?

"Seriously Dad.! Is it the football?"
"The Football?"
"Yeah, you always come to the games, you got us all into teams, you drive us to all the games you cheer louder than the other Dads, you take us to buy new boots, you even help sometimes with coaching and stuff, is that the best part about being a Dad, like when we win or score?"

Okay let's see, Is it Football?

What's not great about that? The belly in tumult at the notion they might get hurt during this, what is often the  first great solo excursion on lifes journey, or they might not enjoy it or the coach might not want them, or they might not get on with the other children, or he takes a ball full in the face and bursts into tears, or maybe he just bursts into to tears because he doesn't like it, or he waves to you when its his turn in goal only for the ball to fly past him as he's telling you how cool it all is, and that was just enough to start him crying and not wanting to be in goal, and then theres the untied shoelace that he stops to tuck in his boot because he doesn't know how to tie football laces up because they are so long and right at the moment the ball is heading towards him with no one else around and an open goal, so he goes to kick it and trips over the lace, and then falls to the ground, and skins his knee, and  yours is the child that kicks another one or even worse kick his own teammate, or sits down in the middle of the game in the centre circle sulking, or walks off during the game because he spotted the swings on the other side of the park, and they look like more fun, or that dog next to that man just so needs to be stroked right now or none of the boys understand how this is supposed to work so all game long all you see this phalanx of a dozen, 5 year olds all running in the same direction, like a Benny Hill skit  including the boy who is supposed to be in goal, and the opposition, trying to kick it away and missing, desperate to be the one to kick the ball, not one having any sense of "position" it's about kicking the ball Dad! or they lose 15 goals to nil, or your son is the one that called the referee stupid just loud enough to be heard and get sent off,or he's the substitute again, or he missed an open goal or the one with the wrong socks or it's freezing cold and you have no jacket and he needs your gloves and you can't feel your toes or its so hot you sweat standing still and you've forgotten the water bottles and his nose is burnt and so is yours and the youngest is bored and doesn't want to watch and eats all the jaffa cakes that were meant for the team at halftime and then he feels sick and throws up on your shoes during the second half or  he 's the one that wants to go home or the one that needs a wee or, Oh No! Not a number 2 buddy ! Please no! the games just started !

It's the Memories Buddy!

Oh my god this isn't worth it! Is it?

More than worth it.

The best part? The Memories we have and the memories to come!
What you have given me until now and what you will give me in the future

YOU are the best part about being a Dad my sons!

©Agides

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What Do You Wish You Knew?

I should have said before I am a Dad. 

Not sure how good a Dad but I try. I wish I was better. More than anything I wish I spent far more time with my remarkable boys. Oh yeah,I forgot! like so many others I am divorced from their mum and she has them for the bulk of time.

A month or so ago I got into a funk about not seeing them more I realised my MH meant it wasn't possible but I decided I should try to do something about it. 

Hello! Can you dig me out now Guys!

The Boy's came to visit and we talked about how we could talk to each other more. Like most modern boys they have mobiles and laptops so we set up email accounts for each so I could write things to them as a team or as individuals. We have a thing called "Team *family name* when we do shared chores where each of us has one part to do like washing up. One washes one dry's one puts away that sort of thing.

Most of these will stay personal but I thought I'd put a few on to the blog to show how hard I am trying to keep away the moisture that becomes the smog.

My oldest boy who is 13 asked me that day, 'What did you wish you'd  known when you were little that you know now?'

Crikey! (as we English are prone to saying.) 

We talked for about an hour with my 9 yr old and 8 yr old boys joining in over a strawberry milk. Middle son 'I bet you wish you knew about all the different types of ants there are eh Dad!'  'Oh yes buddy, I really do.'( I don't need to know now because he tells me!).
'Do you wish you could ride your bike to your friends house like I do Dad?' 
That's my 8yr old talking. 'Well I did like to do that but not as much as you do!' 

My eldest has learnt to be patient with all this and was very quiet after the first few minutes of asking and being interrupted. It seemed important to him I could tell, but I wasn't sure why. We talked quietly after the 2 youngest drifted away to their respective things but like many young men he didn't seem to want to explain why he was interested.

Rain does not stop play!

Our day moved on and before they went I promised to write them each an email almost every day. I've kept a pretty good strike rate up not every day but several times a week at least. Not always a lot sometimes a link to a web site or video or a one line message. But  a few days after they had been I sat thinking about the eldest and decided I should try to answer him.

I thought hard about this and I will be honest searched the web for inspiration. Lot's had stuff that was useful but nothing that seemed to answer to my boy specifically. So I jotted a lot of things down and came up with the following. 

I sent it to all 3 but my eldest was the one who texted me back an hour or so later. ("Thanks Dad! That's well cool!)

The following is what I sent and thanks to all on the interweb that inspired it.

These things that I’d like you to know more than anything else:

YOU! Are more than good enough. Okay!

Most people are afraid to do things because they are afraid they’re not good enough afraid they’ll get it wrong. But ‘YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH’ – Learn this and you won’t be afraid of new opportunities you won’t be afraid to get it wrong wont need the approval of others. You’ll be pre-approvedà by you( and me of course! ;)).

Make mistakes! Get it Wrong Sometimes!

Your mistakes will be your best teachers. Instead of being frightened of mistakes learn to enjoy them. BUT! Learn to learn from them and learn to put them behind you quickly. You don’t need them to affect your confidence okay? You don’t need someone else to make you happy with your choices. You don’t need a teacher to tell you that you’re great at what you do you don’t need a boyfriend/girlfriend to tell you that you are worth loving  you don’t need your ‘friends’ approval. Having loved ones and friends in your life is amazing  find them keep them cherish them but know who you are first.

Have fun being active

Sure there’s a lot of fun to be had on line and in eating sweets and chips and in watching Telly and films and playing video games. But going outside and playing with your friends (or me)) throwing a ball around, swimming climbing something challenging each other these are even more fun and lead to a healthier life healthier heart and more energetic better focused and more alert mind.

Learn Compassion

Okay I know you want what you want. Having compassion is about realising we are not more important than anyone else and we are not the centre of the universe. Someone annoys you? So What! Get over it! Step outside your little shell and try to understand how their day is going maybe you can help them be less angry or suffer less pain. Think about putting the other person first but don’t ignore your needs and remember a need is not a want!

Never stop Learning

If you just learn one little something each day it will add up over time immensely. Never assume you know and never ever be afraid to ask a question there is no such thing as a "stupid question" ! If you don't know ASK! and if someone tells you it's stupid remember it means they were too scared to ask for that reason and one day will miss out because they didn't ask! Stay in education as long as you possibly can the friends you make in college will last longer than any others you make.

Everything you need to be Happy you already have

Some people think happiness is in food drugs alcohol shopping partying sex.Because these things make them happy they're wrong. They don't realise happiness is not what you do it's what you are. Inside  you already have the ability to make and create and do something meaningful even in a small way that's what happiness is.

Spend less than you Earn

Try to save £30 out of every £100 you earn. Everybody that gets money starts spending immediately usually on possessions eating out stuff they won’t have 5yrs later a car rent often using credit cards. None of these matters as your life grows don’t spend what you don’t have. Learn to go without be happy with less now you will have more later on. Learn the difference between need and want. You work hard for your money so make it work hard for you let it grow care for it like you would anything in your life.Your future will be very pleased you did and will thank you; I promise.

 Learn to Love Healthy Food

Learn to cook for yourself. (Isn't it great when we cook together?) Try foods that are new healthy, different. Cook from scratch it's healthier and much less expensive as we have proved many times. Try everything at least once. You cannot know until you try. (Do I need to remind you? No thought not! ;))

Do not avoid Discomfort! Get good at it!

Trying to avoid discomfort is a common mistake. I have learned it’s a mistake. Learning to be okay with some discomfort will change your life.(Remember the camping holiday? Wasn't that the best fun we've ever had?). The things that stress you out in the end never matter, they really don’t, let them go. Take a bigger view of life. Will this matter tomorrow or next week? The answer is No more often than not. If the answer happens to be Yes then Deal with it! REMEMBER! Do things the very first opportunity you get!

Savour everything about life

Not just the usual stuff but everything and everyone the stranger on the bus the sun on your face, the morning quiet, time with loved ones, time alone, the sound of your breath as you run. Slow down, take time to think and relax.Read a book, clear your mind occasionally. If you have to make the same journey every day make a conscious decision to notice differences each day you make that trip. It is possible, if you really look, it may be a new bird, a flower, a loose roof tile, a newly dug hole, who knows? Look! and think about looking pay attention to your surroundings they matter.

At least once in Life: Start your own Business

I always thought that owning a business was what other people did. I was wrong. It’s possible for anyone to start their own business and while you'll probably do badly at first you'll learn quickly. It’s a very effective education possibly as good as college. Everything useful I've learnt was learnt from doing. That said; I've had some amazing teachers. They're not always in school, though: they're everywhere. A friend I made at work my parents, friends, brothers, sisters, grandparents, uncles and aunts my wife, even you, my children. Teachers are everywhere, if you're willing to learn. Realise everyone has the potential to teach you something even if it's how not to do something!

Change is Good-: Learn to be Good at Change

Change is something you can guarantee will happen. Learn to let go of “things” and learn to have a flexible mind. Don't get stuck doing what's comfortable don't shut out what’s new or uncomfortable. Accept change and it will be better for you it’s a part of life go with it and relax you might just find you like it.

Let Life be Amazing

Life can be amazing if you don’t shut it out. People are amazing if you don’t shut them out. Be willing to accept that hurt sometimes comes with an open heart,(you’ll survive)that’s how to experience the best of life. Success is cool but not as a rule to live by unless it’s about success in love and family. Love your family, friends, co-workers, stranger, your brothers and sister, humanity. Love even those that think they are your enemy let them make that choice though you must never do so. Love the animals we treat as friends and food but most of all; Love You! There’s a song called ‘The Greatest Love of All’ by a singer called George Benson, download it and learn the words by heart, okay?

And Always Remember this:

I LOVE YOU WITH

EVERY ATOM OF MY BEING!

DAD :)
©Agides

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Albion

 ENGLAND'S DREAMING?

Apologies to Rupert Brooke,

Before you cry think upon this for free

That there are corners of some child’s minds

That are forever failed by family. There shall be

In those hoped rich minds a sickened brain congealed

A mind of loins born, shaped, made to despair,

gave at once mans prejudices to love, his ways to follow;

A child of parents breathing poisoned air,

washed by ignorance, "blest" by sons of sorrow.

And think, this child mans evil led astray,

A pulse in the perverted mind, un-bless

gives back somewhere the pain of parents given

their frights and hounds; ‘mares sad as the grey

and violence learned of fiends; and hatefulness,

in hearts at pace; under an England riven.

©Agides 

Seeing through Smog.

Oh God not another self indulgent woe is me bloody blog about the D-word! 

Well yes and hopefully no. It is of course about me my thoughts ideas influences and of the things that I am. A person that like many others suffers mood swings. I know that many will suffer more and others less. I know some will care deeply and others care less. I just felt that 4 years after intending to start a blog I ought to settle down and do something about it so here goes.

So why Pea-Souper? 

Well I read a lot of the on-line "self help/save me I'm lost" type web sites looking for solutions to my "Problem"many of them ask about how you describe your lowest mood.A popular one being the "black dog" first referenced by Winston Churchill when describing his own mood swings.

I never feel like my feelings are divorced from me and existing in another being like that, I see mine as a struggle to see to see a way through to see answers solutions or conclusions. I gather that's a very male thing,solving it sorting it working it out. When I can't see it I imagine it  feels like I am losing sight my view blocked by a smog the deeper the low the thicker the smog. At my lowest  "A Real  Pea-Souper". This is how Londoner's used to refer to the dense clouded cover that would fall upon cities like theirs in 1950's a fog so thick you could almost imagine cutting holes in it with a knife. Of course as mood improves I feel the fog thinning and lifting. When it's gone I'm on song pumped, keen ready for action rejuvenated reborn fan-bloody-tastic! 

Oh dear; calm down son!

So I intend to write thoughts, ideas, poems, bit's of prose, the odd image probably. We shall see. I will be linking to sites that have information advice or just fun stuff about mental health in its broadest possible meaning. I have been an on-line advocate for several sites and my twitter will show a large number of M.H. charities organisations and support groups as well as my interest in Autism ( inspired by a phenomenal blog I found). Dogs (I am a volunteer puppy socialiser for Hearing Dogs UK).

There will be an underlying theme of mood and it may well drive the bulk of content. My personal hope is that it will prove cathartic and that it will help me connect with people. Something that my condition is preventing me from doing as I would wish. If others get something from it that will be a bonus and my G.P will be pleased as he has been suggesting I write for a very long time! 

For the first posting I will add a piece of poetry (I use the word loosely I know) and an image I borrowed from the internet and a borrowed quote attached to it.

I tweet occasionally and you can follow me by clicking on the link below, I will tweet each new entry. 

If you've read this then thank you. I hope it was okay if so add me on twitter or link to the site, and thanks again.

©Agides