Musings, Dad stuff, My boys, Stories, Words, Poems, Things?
Saturday, 3 August 2013
Emperors Old Clothes
Now What or What Now?
I was diagnosed two years ago as suffering from "severe
I have suffered without having the label for all of
my adult life and much of my childhood.
However for much of my adult life I was a reasonably successful manager of
people.Being responsible for over 300 at any time and though I often suffered
pangs of self doubt in public I was seen to be very confident if not a little
arrogant. What I had learned to do was to act and I seemingly I was very good at
it because almost no one seemed to suspect.
Avoidance was a good way of keeping my secret. Avoiding close personal
relationships friendships leading rather than following (being in charge
prevents lots of awkward questions).
Then life changed. I lost my job and with it my authority. I lost my marriage
and with it my purpose. I fought for a while to keep it but in the struggle
lost my dignity. Worst of all the mechanisms I had perfected for hiding my
insecurities stopped working! My real self was on show for all too see. I was the naked Emperor and nothing I
did seemed capable of covering my nakedness. I was ashamed of what and who I was.
C.B.T. group therapy, anger management classes, prescription drugs, more prescription drugs. Different prescription drugs, hypnosis, individual
psychotherapy, counselling. All these and others have been tried none have had
a long term effect some no effect at all. Today I hope... I hope for a solution in the sure and certain knowledge that there
will never be one. I have to find new ways to act that hide my real self. Because the real me is tiresome to the mentally well. To be honest pretty
bloody tiresome to me as well.
Of all the "treatments" I have been exposed too the one that
seems to have the most effect is this one - writing. More specifically this anonymous writing. It's too simplistic to say its cathartic but it is
having an effect it is helping me to understand myself a little better.
Avoid worthlessness. Put a premium on your Dignity!
I realise now that it had long been a wish to be a writer or actor/performer and
that along life's meanderings my wishes for myself had been forgotten. Set
aside so that the acting me,(the one who was always in
charge) could be supporting, understanding even mentoring of everyone else.
I became what everyone else wanted and never really ever got to decide who I was. The consequence of this is that I now have no self esteem. I am pleased to find that the real me is actually sensitive, romantic even, that I see more good in others than I used too. Am able to celebrate the successes of others without jealousy. Enjoy reading the words of others and love the ability that the internet offers to engage directly with the author.
I am nervous that amongst my family and friends (many of the former, few of the latter), that these qualities are a little effete and unsubstantial. That's OK for now I am able to share with the digital ether that is the inter-web.
Sitting here not quite fully
Stripped of kingdom dignity and all held dear. Learning to make new. Stitching life threads
together one experience at a time. It's a slow
process and you prick your thumb often.
One day we'll have glorious new clothes. (Hopefully!)